NJ Rules For Auto Drivers
WARNING! This is a parody, and is not to be mistaken as sound driving advice!
1- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them because someone else may decide to occupy that slot before they do.
2- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the vehicle in front of you, because (see #1.) someone else will cut into it and (heaven forbid!) beat you home by .5 nanoseconds. Should you drop back from the invading car, yet another one will grab that new space in front of you. And if you continue to try maintaining a safe following distance, you will never, ever get home.
3- Crossing two or more lanes during a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4- The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting rear-ended.
5- Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and you will inevitably get rear-ended. Note: If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, by all means, come to a complete stop at all stop signs (and red lights).
6- A right lane construction closure is a test to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. (For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.)
9- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It keeps the people entering the highway on their toes.
10- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable for tractor-trailers in New Jersey during rush hour.
11- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over don't think a New Jersey driver won't try making you move by flashing his high beams and annoying the #$%^# out of you, just so he can take your spot and tailgate the guy in front of you.
12- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
13- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is changing a tire.
14- Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which allows tractor-trailers to continually create potholes and other extreme road surface defects in key locations in order to test driver reflexes and vehicle suspensions.
15- It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. (See #4.)
17- Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to be the first to get to where ever they are going, no matter who they take out.
18- Real New Jersey female drivers can apply makeup, eat, call their office, and even beat their kids at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19- Real New Jersey male drivers can shave, call their office, eat, read, and sleep at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
20- In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a standard New Jersey hand signal. This gesture should always be returned twice.
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WARNING! This is a parody, and is not to be mistaken as sound driving advice!
